i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
