Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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