and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
