clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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