I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
