This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
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im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
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returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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