I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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