she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
