those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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