At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
