I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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