yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
