You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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