never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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