I wish I only lived at night.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
