this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
