I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
