Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
