My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
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she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
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and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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