Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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