I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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