I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
