She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
