i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
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do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
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After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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