Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
