dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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