it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
