i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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