I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
