She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I need a beard to bite.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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