you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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