I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
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It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
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ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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