I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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