I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
