Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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