guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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