Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
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I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
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It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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