I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
