Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
