She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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