Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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