coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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