i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
