The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
