Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
