I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
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Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
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Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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