Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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