Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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