No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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