Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
