Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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