life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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