He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
