I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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