My friends, they love my intelligence
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I cut my penus on the lid.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
