My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Everything about him screamed your future.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
