sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
my poor anus
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
