Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
