I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize