Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i think im in europe. pls send help
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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