I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
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